Without a Crystal Ball

Our Journey through Chronic Illness & Autism

calm

 

 

A funny thing happened yesterday, I was sitting in my office listening to the sermon from church on Sunday. (We weren’t able to attend due to a project we had to complete in our kitchen) The series that is being Discussed this month is Peace on Earth. The topic for this week was “Peace Within”. It was topical for me because it’s been something I’ve been seeking for a really long time. For years, there has been a empty hole in my heart. A hole that I’ve filled with just about anything to feel better. I’ve lumped so many things in to this hole, that at times it’s been weighing me down. It occurred to me only a few months ago, that it was my choice in what I was picking to put in that hole. Whether they were things that filled me up with happiness for a lifetime or simple temporary fixes to alleviate the pain of the emptiness. I was picking every single thing that went in to that hole.

The sermon was discussing how we can constantly seek out happiness externally, but the hole within our hearts will never be full until we seek happiness internally. How we feel about ourselves is a direct reflection in what we pick for our happiness. It’s sad sometimes how things that seem so obvious are lost on me for so many years. It dawned on me that until I become at Peace with Von’s diagnosis and disease, I will never be truly happy and my heart will always feel empty.

What does that look like though? How do I let go of the ideas of what I thought it would be like to be a mom? How do I manage the constant pain and frustration that goes in to helping a child with so many issues? It was a very clear and simple message in the talk. I have to give the worry, the doubt and the sadness to God. I have to let go of the pain, and truly accept the this plan for Von is outside of my control and outside of my hands. God has given me a brain and intelligence to help guide Von, but Von is not mine forever. He is a gift that I’ve been given to take care of for as long as he is suppose to be here. When that came over me yesterday, it was like a rush of relief. This isn’t up to me. I cannot carry the weight of his diagnosis on my shoulders. No matter what Todd and I do to help Von, the long term plan is not ours to determine. In order to be truly happy, I have to let go of what I wanted in motherhood, and instead I need to accept what motherhood looks like in being a mom to Von. It’s not how I expected motherhood to be, but in talking to my friends with typical children – no motherhood ever goes as planned. Our children are born with their own personalities and their own issues. We can’t make things be a certain way because it’s what we wanted. In that message yesterday, it was clear we often don’t have peace within ourselves because we didn’t get what we wanted. What a profound and simple message. If you can let go of your expectations and pride of what YOU wanted, you can find peace and joy.

Today I am taking a huge leap of faith and step forward and saying, I’m going to do my best to let go of my baggage of what I wanted my experience in motherhood to be. My journey hasn’t been fully written yet. We still have many years to look forward to, and it’s impossible to know how it will play out. I am in control of what I put in my heart. I am in control of the things I fill in that deep hole. I want to grow amazing fruit in my heart. I want everything around me to be positive and no longer negative. That starts with me and my point of view. It’s a challenging undertaking to try to let go, and I know I will stumble along the way. I am putting it out here to hold myself accountable. I do not want to be stuck in unhappiness and stress any longer. I have found an amazing support network in my church, my mom’s group, my family and my husband. With this support, I know that anything is possible for us and for Von.

 

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