Without a Crystal Ball

Our Journey through Chronic Illness & Autism

mommy-wars1

It’s been an interesting few years as I have integrated much more in to the special needs community. I have joined and left several online forums. I have found people that I can connect with physically and then things don’t work out. I find I need support, and in the same breath find it difficult to connect with other mom’s in the community.  Most of us are super stressed out, and we are managing things that an average parent would not dream of. We are tired, stressed, have little to no time for ourselves, and we are fighting grief and depression as we deal with the severity of the illnesses and disabilities our children face.

Over the past few months, I have found that instead of mom’s embracing one another. We are pitting each other against one another. We are fighting about funding. There are arguments about services, who deserves what funding or grant, who’s child is sicker, and when one child is thriving a parent with a struggling child gets bitter and angry at the other parent. It made me stop to think about a quote I saw yesterday online. It said “Her success is not your failure”. It made me really stop to think. For a long time I had marked my own success by comparison to others. Did I have the things they had? Was my car or home as nice? Was my salary equivalent to hers? Was my home as clean? Did I craft enough? In truth none of that mattered, and those thoughts all come from being insecure. We are all insecure. I know I definitely feel it in many ways. I feel inept at times to manage Von. It’s why we have nurses now. I simply could not do it on my own. I didn’t have the skills to manage it.

As soon as we hired nursing, I found relationships around me eroding. People I thought I could count on got angry with me. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything different. I was simply trying to help both myself and my son have a better quality of life. It’s the same thing I want for every parent going through this life. It’s not easy to have a child with so many needs. I want to support others, and I want to do it in a way that is authentic but I’m finding it really, really hard. I wish there was an easier way or I had a magic wand. I wish I could scream from the mountains that it’s ok that if one child is doing ok and another is not – that it’s not our fault. We simply birthed these children, we did not make them broken. We cannot own their deficiencies and blame ourselves. I could not do it anymore. It was making me sick emotionally and mentally. I had to let it go. I had to face it.I needed to realize that nothing I DID – made Von sick. He was born sick, and unfortunately sometimes that happens.  I’ve had to step away from friends I really cared about because it became toxic. I was devastated losing people that I thought I could count on. Unfortunately, I couldn’t deal with the mommy wars.

Moving forward, I am turning my faith to God and to model what Christ would do in these situations. I am not drawing comparisons. I am simply here to support. If you are a mom that is struggling, I am here to support you. You can email me, find me on Facebook and message me. I am here. I would hope as mom’s we can all agree that this situation for all of us SUCKS. But we also need to come together in support and not in division. We aren’t all fighting for the same pie of services, and my child’s success is not your child’s failure. Or your child’s health improving doesn’t mean I’ve failed Von because he will never be cured. It’s all about perspective, and today I am changing mine. No more fighting. No more tears, and no more debates. If you agree with me, Please let me know! I can’t be alone in these feelings, can I?!

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